Saturday, October 31, 2009

Virgins v. Vixens

They're back!

Darlings, please don't hate us. What with all the Project Runway blogging and the Mad Men blogging and the Glee blogging and the spring collections, we just couldn't find the time to sit down and spend the required couple of hours counting votes and looking for pictures for the next round. Forgive us?

For those of you just joining us, this is a competition pitting mega-famous actresses from the fifties and the sixties who embodied the two major archetypes of sex symbols for the period: the Virgin and the Vixen. Each "week" (yeah, right) we pit a famous virgin and/or a famous vixen up against another and the readers vote on which one wins. You can use whatever criteria you like to make your decision. We tend to frame it as if they're in an imaginary cage match, but most of the time the readers simply vote for their favorite. It was a tough competition and a lot of legendary ladies hit the mat and never got up again. We're in the finals now, but here's how the competition went down:

Janet Leigh vs. Kim Novak

Kim Novak vs. Leslie Caron

Leslie Caron vs. Gina Lollobrigida

Gina Lollobrigida vs. Jean Simmons

Gina Lollobrigida vs. Shirley MacLaine

Shirley MacLaine vs. Joan Collins

Shirley Maclaine vs. Brigitte Bardot

Jane Fonda vs. Julie Christie

Jane Fonda vs. Natalie Wood

Natalie Wood vs. Angie Dickinson

Natalie Wood vs. Debbie Reynolds

Debbie Reynolds vs. Julie Andrews

It was at this point, that we started with the big guns. Not that any of the previous ladies weren't big guns in their own right, but it was time to break out the virgins and/or vixens that have passed into legend and only need to be referred to by their first names.

Julie Andrews vs. Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn vs. Sophia Loren

Do you see how fickle you bitches are? Audrey Hepburn! Not making it to the finals! You guys are nuts. Granted, going up against Sophia was a pretty tall order, but that's why they're called the big guns.

Sophia Loren vs. Jayne Mansfield

Before we broke out the REALLY big guns, it was time to bring back the one competitor who managed to beat three bitches in a row. Hence:

Sophia Loren vs. Shirley MacLaine.

Yow. Now that's a toughie. Two legendary ladies with very different styles (and a penchant for playing hookers). Which one was still standing after the votes were counted? Well, we'll tell ya, it was a very close race, but in the end, only one hooker can make it out of the ring alive.

We are sad to inform you that...


And it's all your fault! But don't worry. She has a tendency to not stay dead long.

Anyway, here it is; the finals of the Virgins vs. Vixens showdowns. Sophia hoists up her tits and re-enters the ring to take on the woman who embodied virginity more than any other actress of the period (and if you believe the stories, pulled the wool over the eyes of the public while doing it). These two ladies couldn't be more different and yet in their day, they were two of the biggest box office draws around.


takes on...


The quintessential vixen up against the quintessential virgin. Cast your votes now. One of these ladies is going DOWN! And not in the good way!

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Meana Irina

She's not here to make friends, you know!

Kittens, should you ever find yourself on a reality television show, please, we implore you, do NOT haul out that tired old "I'm not here to make friends" line. It's so cliche that it'll only make you look stupid. We suggest the following: "I'm totally here to make friends! I have a long emotional history of fucking over the people closest to me! I'm a sociopath!" It means the same thing but it's got a little more panache to it.

Not that we think Irina's a sociopath. She's just a relatively talented designer who's received a bit too much love from the judges and thinks everyone else around her is miles behind her and doesn't deserve to breathe her air. We have to say, for all her bitchiness, we tend to agree with her points about half the time when she assesses the work of the other designers.

And come on, who didn't love her little crash and burn on the runway when she thought the judges were going to back her up on her plagiarism charge?

Model: Kalyn Hemphill

This wasn't a bad entry. No, wait. Scratch that. This was one of the better entries. There. That's a little more accurate. We do like that sweater.

But man oh man, do we ever hate that belt.

It just looks sloppy and the fabric adds yet another texture to a look that has too many as it is.

Look at all that crap on the ass! It looks like an upholstery sample book.

And that laceup on the back is tacky, tacky, tacky. In fact, Nina pointing out that the dress was a little cheap and slutty was just about the only part of the judging with with we totally agreed. We're all getting used to the crack-assed judging this season but we're getting damn tired of the judges failing to point out the obvious flaws in the pieces they deem their favorites. Look at how badly this is executed. Not a word from the judges about that.

And look at the weird fit issues on this thing! Nina! We know you were fighting a losing battle against the tacky brigade but why didn't you point this out?

About the only thing we can compliment (aside from the sweater) is the fact that she did manage to make the pieces look like companions.

In the end, she earned her second place finish. But the only reason it scored as high as it did was because there was so much ass on that runway. All we can think is, if this piece had appeared in, say seasons 3 or 4 and had to stand next to pieces by Laura, Uli, Jeffrey, Rami, Christian or Jillian, it would have wound up on the bottom easily. That's a sad statement on the quality of the judging this season. Nina tried her best, but she was overruled by the "I would wear this" judges.

Extended Judging:

Tim Gunn's Workroom Critique:

[Photos: Mike Yarish/ - Videos: - Screencaps:]

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Auf Wiedersehen!

Oh, thank god!

We're not such horrible bitches that we're happy to see a contestant go, but we were biting our well-manicured nails last night because we were afraid if they sent Gordana home all hell was going to break loose in T Lounge.

Heh. Didn't work this time, Guy's Guy.

And he must have been seriously feeling the pressure because all of a sudden not only was he speaking, but really bitchy words were coming out of his mouth. Say what you will about Irina, but she can walk the walk as well as talk the talk. When it's someone who's spent virtually the entire competition at the bottom of the pile, smack-talking just comes across desperate.

And while there were a lot of accusations flying around last night, we have to say, that is EXACTLY the same collar. Irina acted like she invented big sweaters but let's face it, a stand-up collar made entirely out of zippers is unique enough that Althea's accusation was warranted.

In the end, for all that drama...

Model: Kojii Helnwein

He really didn't have a lot to show for it.

And once she made that face, we knew it was all over for Lord Silverbottom.

We'll give him credit for this: it's the most "designed" thing he's sent down the runway. In the parlance of PR, he "really thought about it."

Of course that doesn't mean those thoughts were actually good ones, but still. After weeks of him sending the most basic, boring looks down the runway, we'll at least give him props for trying to do something new.

Of course "new" doesn't necessarily mean "good."

We kind of like the bottom half of it now that we can see it better.

We like the sash and we think the little zipper pulls as embellishments was kind of a cute idea. Since there was so much talk of plagiarism last night, we feel compelled to point out that the construction of that skirt looks decidedly Christopher-like.

It's the top of this thing that's such a freaking disaster.

Disregarding the plagiarism charge, this collar is way off on the proportions.

And there's just too much going on with that bodice, not to mention how poorly it's constructed. Plus it looks a little like a diner waitress's uniform.

And can we please do something about designers who, when they decide to be edgy, think "I know! ZIPPERS!" Designers, it's been DONE. A lot.

And finally, there's nothing about the second look that makes you think of the first one, zippers or no.

We would have felt a tiny bit bad to see him go if he hadn't been such a little bitch last night. And of course, ending his time on the show with the oh-so-original "I'm too edgy for the masses" excuses had us opening the door and pushing him out.

If there's anyone to feel bad about it's Kojii, who we think is a wonderful model with a unique look and a ton of charisma. She worked the shit out of that thing and it was all for naught.

Extended Judging:

Tim Gunn's Workroom Critique:

Exit Interview:

[Photos: Mike Yarish/ - Videos: - Screencaps:]

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Let's do a quick rundown of things to run down, okay? Okay!

Kind of an okay challenge, right? Almost but sort of!

Heidi! Wearing the crazy-and-also-ugly!

Uncle Nick!

Entirely too self-important guest judge who keeps interrupting Nina and should probably be shot for that!

Elly Mae! Winner!

Wait. Winner?

Well, let's face it. The pickings were mighty slim last night. It would have been more interesting if they had to make a companion piece for a losing look rather than a winning one. As it was, the challenge was basically "Remember that time you won? Do that!"

At least we got some fun drama as the girls unsheathed their claws last night and in the end wound up turning on each other on the runway. Elly Mae, don't pair up with a girl like Irina because in the end she's going to turn on you too. Didn't you know that Irina invented sweaters? Come on now.

Model: Tanisha Harper

We thought the judging last night was total crack-is-whack, but in the light of day, we have to say that this probably was the right choice for the win. Maybe.

Almost all of the looks fell into two categories: butt fucking ugly or kinda nice, but a little plain. This was at least a little stylish and based on previous work of hers, it was very much Althea's personal aesthetic at play.

The main problem here is the same problem Althea always has: execution. We realize that this isn't a sewing competition but it kind of grates on our nerves that the judges NEVER mention it. And Heidi's always the judge that points out boob issues with the designs and yet she never seems to notice when Tanisha's are bouncing all over the runway.

But enough of that. Let's talk pants. Tom is finding it quite hard to get on board with those pants, but Lorenzo really likes them.

We're both in agreement that they are pretty on trend right now and that's why the judges love them. You're seeing a lot of that sort of thing on the runways at the moment.

The top is just basic with some minor interest in the straps. We question why anyone would wear a skimpy tank top under a gigantic sweater, but it's fashion, darlings.

Attention must be paid to Tanisha, who has distinguished herself as the fiercest walker of the season. She can sell the hell out of clown pants.

Attention must also be paid to the fact that she was one of the few designers who really did fulfill the dictates of the challenge. Like it or not, these do look like companion pieces from the same collection.

And we have to admit, that's a pretty fabulous sweater.

Hey, guess what? In writing this post we totally convinced ourselves that this was TOTALLY the right choice for the win! So, congrats Elly Mae!

Extended Judging:

Tim Gunn's Workroom Critique:

[Photos: Mike Yarish/ - Videos: - Screencaps:]

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