Thursday, May 31, 2007

We Hate Canada Now.


Onetime supermodel Iman host of 'Project Runway Canada

'TORONTO (CP) - Iman, one of the fashion world's first supermodels, admits she didn't hesitate to party when she was in her catwalking heyday back in the '70s and '80s. "I have to say, I did my fair share of Studio 54 in my day," Iman, in town Tuesday to announce her new gig as host of "Project Runway Canada," said as she mused on the current crop of Hollywood party girls struggling with serious drug problems. "But by the grace of God, I have always known when to leave the party. They are very young, these girls ... they treat rehab like it's a spa, they go in and out, but at the end of the day I keep asking myself the same question over and over: 'Where are the adults for these kids?"'

LOVE HER. Why can't she be on the Original? She was the best damn guest judge they ever had! Stupid Canada! Will the Canadian homos swoon at her high-cheekboned bitchery? Of course not! Those bitches wouldn't know fabulous if it bit them in their snow-covered asses.

Iman! Come home! We love you here! America needs your bitchiness now more than ever!

Finale Party Antics

Darlings, when a GayBoy can't meet the demands of his title, one must appoint a runner-up to keep up our extensive schedule of personal appearances for shopping mall grand openings and finale parties. It's simply too much fabulous for one GayBoy. There must always be two. So when Tom realized he couldn't go with Lorenzo to the Nexxus Shear Genius Finale Party, there was only one person to whom we could turn. He's almost fabulous enough to be a GayBoy. Ladies and ladies, The GayBoys are proud to present:


Emmett McCarthy, GayBoy #3. With Adorable Andy Cohen and Fab Tabs of course.


And she IS Fab. She looked gorgeous last night. She was wearing a fabulous pair of shoes but neither GayBoy 1 or 3 managed to get a picture. Bad GayBoys.


And how could we not have a pic with the Rivalry Heard 'Round the World? To be honest, there were no sparks flying. They're both sweet and friendly. We kept hoping one of them would throw a drink in the other's face, but alas, no such luck. Doesn't she look GOAWCHUSS?


Anthony brought his girl up for his little acceptance speech. Check out Miss Fabulous' little LV!

And speaking of Anthony...

HOT. Hotter in person.


Anthony was there with a "friend" and kittens? That is too much hotness for one picture.


Ben. What a doll. He was working a Mr. Roarke look last night and it suits him. His girlfriend is GOAWCHUSS - although this pic doesn't do her justice.

Hmmph. If Tom was there instead of Emmett, ALL the pictures would have been perfect. Just sayin'.


Of course we had to get another shot with Adorable Andy. He said he worries what would happen if Bravo ever put out a show the GayBoys hated. That's right. Fear the bitches.


Check out our little moptops! Theodore had to be told who Frodo was, but he loves the blog and so did Danna. Danna's only (joking) complaint was that we didn't write about her enough. Darling, you were too low-key! If you'd had a meltdown or threatened to destroy one of your competitors, we'd have been all over that shit!


With Dr. Boogie and his fabulous date for the evening. He was wearing an outrageous pair of platforms but once again, our fill-in failed to do the job. Emmett, we may have to review your file to see if you're still worthy to be a GayBoy.

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Lorenzo, with Daisy and her girlfriend and their fabulous boobs. Seriously. We can't stop looking at those things.



EVANGELIN! Rocking the Pucci print! Lorenzo ran up to her and said "How's our little under-voweled Italian?" She shrieked (just as you would expect her to) with delight. She's a bubbly sweetheart and her husband's kinda hot. No pics of the husband. Emmett, you suck.


Shake it, girls! Honestly, everyone was friendly, laid back and fabulous. Lorenzo says out of the three finales we've been to, this one was the most fun because the competitors were all genuinely happy to be there and to see each other again. EVERYONE knew about us and everyone thanked us for writing about the show. Feel our bloggy power, bitches.



Rene darling, stay out of the sun! We're in pain just looking at you. Can we see your tanline?

Speaking of which, Emmett was all "Is that the guy whose ass you were talking about? Let's get a picture!"

Surreptitious attempt #1. A good try, but we're not getting the full effect.


Rene was like "What are you doing?" and Emmett said matter-of-factly "Taking a picture of your ass." He tried to get away, but Lorenzo and Daisy held him down for the piece de resistance:

Nice. It's a tiny little thing, isn't it?

Not to be outdone, Anthony was all "Hey! What about MY ass?"


Et voila. It's true what they say about Black men. No, that OTHER thing they say about Black men. Emmett, you can stay, because neither of us would have had the nerve to do that. You are the official GayBoy ass man.

Anyway, if you can't tell, GayBoys 1 & 3 had a fabulous time, mainly because the crowd was so much damn fun. GayBoy 2 hates them both.

Congratulations Anthony!

Darlings, our world has gone cold and gray this morning. There is no more Shear Genius in our foreseeable future.

*pout*


On the other hand, what a FANTASTIC show last night! Those bitches brought their A game and once again we sit in awe of the incredible job the producers do in coming up with these entertaining and drama-filled challenges. And unlike other shows, most of the challenges (okay, not the hedge trimmer one) are rooted in the real world of hair styling. No corn husk dresses here.

We loved that the stylists all got dressed up for the final challenge. All three of them lined up like that made them look like characters in a Tarantino movie only with styling combs instead of guns.

It's also to the credit of the final 3 that there wasn't a drop of drama or nastiness among them. You'd think that would make for a boring show but it was fun to sit there and root for all three of them, not caring who wins.

Unfortunately, only one could win and we have to say, the right one won. We'll get into critiques later, but Daisy kind of crashed and burned and Ben really stepped up, but it was Anthony who calmly and coolly went about his work and pulled it out.

And Vidal Sassoon! What an adorable little old hair elf he turned out to be! We admit, we were a little shocked at how much older he looks. Our main memories of him are those commercials from the '70s. But he was such a little sweetheart and the stylists were practically in tears at the sight of him. You can tell he still gets a thrill out of hair styling. How many times did he tell the models to shake their heads and then responded with utter glee? The man is practically a holy figure among stylists and when it comes down to it, he's still just a guy who loves a good haircut.

Like we said, we'll get into the nitty gritty later. We just wanted to bask in the glow of a fun and fabulous finale devoid of obvious producer manipulation. It was just about talented people being entertaining by showing off what they can do and doing it fabulously. Bravo, Bravo.

Like you, Tom watched the finale on his couch in a haze of painkillers and muscle relaxers. Okay, maybe y'all weren't hopped on drugs but we highly recommend it. The show takes on a whole new meaning when you're high enough to have conversations with your throw pillows. We only wished we'd had some when Evangelin was still in the game.

Lorenzo, on the other hand...


That bitch. We hate him, don't we, kittens?


Although, truth be told, our marriage was on the line because the last thing Tom said before Lorenzo traipsed out the door was "If you meet Jaclyn Smith tonight, don't bother coming home. It's over." Fortunately for us, Jaclyn wasn't at the party - but everybody else was and we'll have a ton of pictures up in a bit.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Musical "Monday": Flower Drum Song

[THIS POST WILL BE FIXED ASAP]

FINALLY! It's Flower Drum Song, kittens! The Rodgers and Hammerstein classic that teaches a valuable lesson: No matter where you come from, if your family comes to America, they'll wind up just as dysfunctional as everybody else's family!


Our story starts with Mei Li and her Honorable Father, fresh off the boat from Hong Kong, wandering the streets of San Francisco's Chinatown. Having watched one too many American movies, they mistakenly believe that everyone in America breaks into song at the drop of a hat and thus do so.

Let's get this out of the way: this is a charming little movie with one or two good numbers in it, but it is far from R&H's best work. "A Hundred Million Miracles," while it's a very sweet song, is not exactly going to get the crowd on its feet. Kind of a strange song to open a movie.


After all the American-born Chinese point and laugh at them for their strange ways, a cop comes along and threatens to arrest them for being stereotypes. Instead, he takes them to the address on the slip of paper they hand to him.


The address is Sammy Fong's Celestial Garden, where headlining act Linda Low is slutting it up Asian style for the mostly white audience.

Nancy Kwan wasn't the best dancer in the world and her singing was dubbed, but that girl had it. Loaded with charisma and the embodiment of sex on a stick, she probably would have had a much better career had she been born twenty or thirty years later and not treated like some sort of racial oddity.


Mei Li and her father are introduced to Sammy and it turns out that Mei Li is his intended bride. Sammy's not too thrilled about that since he's got a thing with Linda, but he shuffles them off into a back room while he tries to figure out what to do.


Unfortunately, Linda gets wind of the events and flips out. Sammy promises that he'll get it all fixed by introducing Mei Li to another family who's in the market for a daughter-in-law. In the meantime, how would you like a new convertible, baby?

It's clear that we can all learn valuable life lessons from Linda.

The next day he visits Madame Liang. He silently agrees not to point out that she's Black and she silently agrees not to point out that he's Japanese. They also agree that Mei would make a perfect wife for her nephew, Wang Ta. She agrees to set it up by talking to her brother in law. There was a lot of agreeing in this scene.


The next day, she heads over to the Wang household where we are introduced to Master Wang, his son Ta, and his other son whose name doesn't matter and who is clearly a homosexual despite trying to butch it up in sports drag. Ta is rebellious and doesn't like his father making his decisions for him but the little shithead manages to hit him up for money without noting the irony.


Later, Sammy shows up with Mei and her father. Master Wang pokes and prods her as if she were a work animal for his farm. She silently puts up with it but we know that secretly she's getting all kung fu on their asses in her head.

Master Wang approves of the match. Hooray! Everyone lives happily ever after!


Except you knew that little ho was going to fuck things up somehow.

As we've said before, every musical has one number that sells the whole film. This would be it. We just want to wrap ourselves in a little sarong and stand in front of a full-length mirror trying on hats, incredibly pleased with ourselves. Linda Low, you knew how to live, girl.


On her impromptu date, as soon as she finds out he's rich, she practically rips his fraternity pin off him and declares that they're going steady. Not a bad afternoon's work. Ladies, are you taking notes?


That evening, Ta meets Mei and sparks fly, we guess. He's oblivious and she's such the delicate little lotus blossom that it's sometimes hard to figure out what her character is thinking. Thankfully, she sings it all out for us.


We also meet Helen, who has an endless array of bullet bras. She's constantly shoving her girls in Ta's face (there's a really obvious joke there and you should thank us for not making it) but once again, he's oblivious.

Why are all these beautiful women throwing themselves at this nerd? Besides the fact that he's rich? Oh, what the hell are we saying?


On their second date, Linda goes from sweet-talking her way into an invite to his graduation party to sweet-talking her way into getting him to agree to marry her. Damn, that girl's good.


Linda shows up at the party and she and Mei silently judge each other as the rest of the party-goers look on. Linda loudly announces their engagement and Master Wang stomps off furiously, which he does in pretty much every scene in this movie. It must've taken him about 5 minutes to memorize his part.


Helen stops Mei from running out upset by forcing her to stare at her torpedo tits. Mei is impressed, but confused as to how this was supposed to comfort her.


Later that night, Master Wang implores Mei to stay a little longer while his son gets his head screwed on straight.

Next thing you know...

It's the New Year!

And yet, for some reason...

the parade consists of nothing but Asian drag queens.

Just go with it, we say. San Francisco always was ahead of the curve.


Sammy catches up with the Wang clan and invites them to his club that night to celebrate the New Year.


At the club, Linda hands in her resignation to become a respectable wife but Sammy gets her to agree to go on one more time. That Sammy. He's a sly one.


Helen asks Linda if Ta knows that she's such a cheap slut and Linda tells her to fuck off.

We all see where this is going, don't we, kittens?

Linda sluts it up...

...and her future in-laws are not amused. Although Mei's father sure seems to be enjoying it. The family storms out, furious.


Later, Helen finds Ta stumbling through the streets of Chinatown, drunk off his ass and feeling sorry for himself.


Girl knows a chance when she sees one and before you can say "chopsticks," she's struggling to get his clothes off while he's passed out in her bed. Apparently Helen's been paying attention to Linda and learned a few things.

But this being a musical, she sings rather than sleeps with him. This is one weird sequence. The song's pretty and beautifully sung but we trust we've made it clear by now that we're not big fans of these momentum-killing ballet numbers that seem to drag on forever. And did he push her down a slip and slide at the end?

The next morning, Mei shows up. We'd always heard that San Francisco's Chinatown was huge, but apparently only about ten or eleven people live there. Mei spots Ta's jacket and shoes and runs off upset. Helen tries to get the hungover Ta to stay and have breakfast with her but he rushes off, discarding her like a used takeout carton. Helen is not seen in the movie again. We suspect she's working one of the corners with the tranny hookers now.


Ta apologizes to his father and Master Wang happily announces that Mei is to be his bride.


Mei however, has other plans. Like sitting in the garden and softly crying. She does not agree to the marriage, no matter how much he sings at her.


Meanwhile (Jesus H., this movie has a shit ton of plot), Linda is furious with Sammy for screwing up her marriage plans so she agrees to marry him. Hunh?

Unfortunately, Sammy's parents hear that Sammy's arranged bride has arrived in San Francisco and next thing you know, Sammy's engaged to Mei.


Sammy tries to prove what a lousy husband he'd make but at this point, Mei's all "You know what, fucker? I'm sick and tired of being bounced around like a fucking ping-pong ball! SOMEONE'S marrying me and it looks like you're up, sport." Except she says it sweeter than that.

The night before the wedding, Ta goes to see Mei to give her a wedding present.


Which he cleverly hid in the back of his throat.


At the wedding, Mei grows a spine and tells Sammy's mother that she can't marry him because it would bring dishonor to his family because she's an illegal immigrant. Madame Fong pulls a Lou Dobbs and recoils in disgust at the filthy lowly in front of her.


But you know...musical. Happy endings and double weddings are par for the course.
Linda and Sammy get hitched and Mei and Ta get hitched and everyone politely ignores that each bride was engaged to to the opposite groom a week earlier. It's like Jerry Springer except with more embroidered silk.

Next week: Who knows? It was such a struggle getting our hands on this one that you'll just have to be surprised and like it, bitches!